Very irritating chinese mother in law…how do i deal?
January 21st, 2008I have not seen any posts on the law as a mother and myne. She is Chinese, but has lived in America for over 20 years. You have broken his English, and sometimes it is very nieve. She is a beautiful person, but very, very annoying and irritating to be around. When we had to move out of his house, did not pack up almost anything, and for me and my mother had to do everything … Not once, we have a “Thank you”. In principle would come on foot and just beyond right into our home without even knocking … Until told knocking! Since then, my husband and I had 3 children, 2 days off every week and wants to see the children every week has been turned off. It does not cover, help around the house with things (7 months of age are twins and 2 years of age), leave my 2 years get away with anything and everything is OVERLY and it is always excited to see children. (The media excitement lasts for as long as soon as she walks in the door. You buy nappies for children, and sometimes we buy food. Grateful I want to do, but also when we tell you to not buy anything, he does it anyway. I have the feeling that this is his way of keeping my husband on a leash and made him and I feel guilty if you do not spend every week with her. I got to the point I do not want that around her much … has never hears about how my children to be raised or disciplined and not asks how I am feeling or if it is a good day to come addition, we expect that every single day is a good day. has also requested a visit on my hubby's off day, and then expects it to be every day he has off, which is when I like to spend time with him. < br> My husband has been injured I do not want to spend each week with his coming to see the children, but simply is not capable of doing more, and I just need some 'space from her. Ha hired a nanny when my hubby has little to care for him, so I think that she is making up for lost time with my children My hubby also believes that should say and how to act making it happy. I can not be wrong all the time and be someone i am not. He asks me to tell him what he wants to hear, and not how I feel about it. I think we should back me up first is that I am his wife, but he did not put me first. He tells me I mean, even though I have always been cordial to her mother when she is around. tell him how I really wish that could be the best friend, but we are so different! * ** Oh, and it is 1 / 2 Chinese, not complete, not speaking Chinese and grew more with his dad. ** Oh, and another thing … (could go forward and below) you do not listen, as you understand, but he does understand. we say more and more about little things, like not leave my 2 years old with certain things out or tap the breakables home! I think that acts more snow she really is!
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Like it or not you will not be able to change her and your husband will be offended because it is his mother.
Have you tried talking to her and letting her know how you feel about her discipline and constant badgering? You have been married long enough to be allowed to.
January 26th, 2008 at 1:51 am
you sound pretty selfish it is his mom and she loves your kids as much as your mom does so chill out and stop thinking the world revolves around you!
January 28th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
She sounds very annoying. Put your foot down and leave it down. If he doesn’t get it divorce him
January 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I think she means well. You say that she does buy diapers and food sometimes. It’s really not a grandparent’s job to discipline a child, grandchildren are for them to enjoy and spoil a bit. If you don’t like her coming over so much, put your foot down and tell her she needs to let you know when she is coming over and she needs to ask if it’s okay. You say she starting knocking once you asked her to knock, so she can change her habits. If she is so excited to see the kids when she comes and her excitement lasts the whole time, it obviously means a lot to her. And probably the children realize it too and are happy to see her. I think what you need in this situation is a real heart to heart talk with her, explain how you feel, and hope she understands.
January 30th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Ma’am this is not a problem . This is just a mother-in-law . Imagine if she hated you and what damage she could do . Sounds like to me she loves your family . Be glad she interested in the kids and buys stuff . Keep everone happy by just putting up with the small crap . Ever watch Everone Loves Raymond . Your mom-in -law sounds like Raymonds mom. Rather have a pest than a mean b—- for a mom-in-law.
January 31st, 2008 at 4:18 pm
yes she means well but any mother or father should be able to appreciate the power of alone time. time to yourself. or time for you your husband and your children. Familys usually have a routine and when someone comes and disrupts that 2 times a week its really really annoying. If they are going to come around that much they need to follow the rules of YOUR home. put your foot down and say no! it might be hard to convice your husband but write down your feelings and what happens when shes there…maybe theres somthing your not getting across to him when you talk to him about it because your so freakin frustrated! can you tell ive been there before?
i lived with the in laws…worse ouch. i had no private time so when i just stopped coming out of our part of the house they called me a hermit. dude ive been there.
u gotta do something now…it wont get any better.
February 1st, 2008 at 2:09 am
I don’t understand what wise guy means by you being allowed to say something. I think you need to understand the culture. You married into a Chinese family. The Chinese are very respect full to there older generation. Parents, grandparent, etc. Your mother in law thinks that she is doing nothing wrong. Her not packing was not about you or your mom. She would have done that no matter who was helping her. I think you should read a book about the culture so you have a better understanding of her behavior this would make less stress for you, a happier marriage and a better relationship with your mother in law as if you understand where she is coming from you might find a better way to handle her.
February 3rd, 2008 at 1:42 am
You need to read as much as possible on culture shock when going to China, since that will compare western and Chinese culture. There are books with names like “Culture Shock:: China” , so check these out. And it’s going to make a difference whether she’s from Taiwan, China, or Hong Kong or wherever, so be attuned.
Here are some pointers:
1. Host/Guest. There is no such thing as an equal relationship in Chinese culture, it’s always one person slightly senior to the other. Chinese never go Dutch at a restaurant, one person treats, and he gets to decide what is ordered for the whole group. An invited guest at a host’s home is catered to by the host and never expected to lift a finger to pitch in, which is part of why your m-i-l doesn’t help out when she’s over your house. But as the host, you call the shots about when she’s invited. The solution here is to turn it around, and bring the kids to her house. Then she has to cater to you and the kids, because you are the guest. And it’s her stuff getting broken by the 2 year old.
2. Filial piety. Like proverbial Jewish mothers, Chinese mothers are often masters of the guilt trip and manipulating their kids. And once she gets her son to take responsibility for something, she’s off the hook for it. This explains why she didn’t pack anything for the move. The Chinese tradition is that the kids owe the parents for raising them, and this burden falls more on the sons, since the daughters are “given away” to another household. This tradition breeds a sort of “entitlement mentality” among Chinese people older than about 50. Your husband has to learn how to stand up to his mom more. That could be as simple as telling her, we’ve been in the US this long, we are going to follow US customs. That means that you are expected to pitch in with child care, meal prep and cleanup, etc. when you come over here.
3. She is undoubtedly playing dumb about not understanding English that well. It makes a great excuse why people should do things for her that she would otherwise have to do herself. She is perfectly capable of coping and surviving on her own; if she wasn’t around much in your husband’s life, then she was surviving on her own long before you or your husband were there to help her.
4. Chinese people value sons more than daughters, because the sons are expected to take care of them in their old age, while the daughters are expected to pitch in taking care of their husband’s parents. This makes the m-i-l d-i-l relationship potentially very unpleasant (Rent the Joy Luck Club). How do you counter this? Well it’s your house and your country, and your husband is only half Chinese. But the other part is to make it clear that she won’t see her grandchildren as often if she doesn’t start being more considerate of you, by following American customs.